mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Send help, water and tortillas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
