Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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