i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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