In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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