i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize