she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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