He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
