I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My vagina just recognized that song.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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