The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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