I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He called his prostate his "boner button".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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