there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
