This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
