Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
