From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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