Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
