I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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