I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
