I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
