you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
