fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
