my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
