There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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