Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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