you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
