His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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