i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
