is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
