I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
