remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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