When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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