NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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