the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
