i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
