Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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