Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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