this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
