My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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