I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
