My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
