Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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