"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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