my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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