Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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