worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize