she pinky promised me she was 18
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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