I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
