the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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