apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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