I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
