drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
