someone threw a dead crab at me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
