Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The uberlube is also flammable
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
