Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
