I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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