i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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