how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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