It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
