I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sorry about my life...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
