someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize