She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
