I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
