Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
